An Unmarked Path                                                           September 16, 2000

I can just see myself sitting in that whicker chair and drawing a complete blank on all the reasons I felt I shouldn't be there anymore.  When I left last week I felt uneasy, like I was traveling down all those familiar paths that have never gotten me anywhere.  Obviously i have crossed that ambiguous line that lies somewhere between Therapist and Client, in my mind at least and definitely in my dreams.  I ask myself why?  I've given this a lot of thought and some answers have come to mind.  First, the whole concept of psychoanalysis is difficult for me.  The idea of telling someone your deepest, darkest secrets and then writing a check and walking out the door  is just strange to me.  Maybe that very fact makes it easier for some people, but not for me.  I have a hard time just thinking of him as my analyst and accepting the face that I'm just a time slot and a paycheck for him.  I guess that's why I ask him those personal questions every so often that I know make him uncomfortable.  I'm trying to make a deeper connection  I guess, one that I have no right to expect.  He's just doing his job.   Just like I did mine and was able to keep that wall around me that protected me from getting emotionally involved with or attached to the people I dealt with.  This is my problem, not his.  To be continued.